What To Do For Someone When They Lose Someone They Love To Death

Recently I served as a grief counselor for a large corporation where one employee had just lost her son after he was shot serving in Afghanistan.  Shocked and concerned, her fellow comrades filed into the cubicle the company loaned me for the day with the same questions: "How do we talk with her?"…"What can we say that will help?" Many of them, mothers themselves who had children serving, or had served but had come home safely, were at a loss… feeling both the thankfulness and the guilt that it wasn’t their child they were grieving.

So what can you do or say when someone you care about is in grief?
It is very affecting to all of us as employees, friends and family members when someone we know loses someone they love.  We grieve for them and wish we could turn back the hands of time. We worry for them and wonder what we could do to help. We may think about some of our own losses and of what we are going through ourselves. Sometimes we may feel too overwhelmed ourselves to be of any help. Many of you have expressed concerns over how to handle this situation, for which we are never really prepared.

What do you say when there are no words?
First, remember that nothing can take away the pain. The pain of losing a child may be worse than any other.  It can alsobe the loss of self-identity as a parent. Second, it is unfair. Life is supposed to happen chronologically and children are supposed to die after their parents, not before. Third, you are not responsible for bringing to tears someone who is in grief. People who lose loved ones are supposed to cry when they feel like it. It is healing for them to shed their grief whenever they can in a way that is effective and helpful. The biggest issue here is how you feel when someone begins to cry in front of you. Some of us are huggers and will offer a friendly compassionate hug and shoulder to cry upon. Others will sit in comforting silence.

But what if you are not comfortable with expressions of emotion? Should you ignore someone who might cry because that would make you uncomfortable?

Absolutely NOT! Never ignore someone in grief because you are uncomfortable. It gives the impression that you don’t care about them, and that's probably farthest from the truth. Besides, your discomfort will go away as you go on with your life. Their pain will continue for a long time.

Perhaps there is a reason grief, which is a normal healthy emotion, is so disturbing for you. Perhaps you have never experienced grief or haven’t seen this level of emotional expression before. Maybe you are fearful that you will cry along with them! Or perhaps, you can feel their pain.  That’s OK and very acceptable. No one likes crying alone when their pain is so extreme. Think of the child who has a boo-boo that you can’t see even though they want a bandage for it. When you put the Band-Aid on them, the pain can magically go away… not because of the Band-Aid itself, but because of your recognition and acceptance of their pain.  Your response to it, even if you can’t see the boo-boo, tells them that their pain is as real to you as it is to them. There is nothing more healing then acknowledgement and acceptance.

Here are some things to do or say for people who are in pain to help reduce their stress:

• If their loved one served in the military, say thank you to that parent! That is a very difficult and thankless job and one most of us would not willing sign up for. Tell the parents how grateful and honored you are to have had their child serve for your freedom.  

•  Never tell the survivor you know how it feels… because you don’t! Even if you have lost a child, your experiences are never the same as someone else’s. You can express that you can imagine how it must feel to them…but you certainly don’t know what it is like to be in their shoes.
• Ask them if they would like to talk about it with you…or if you are uncomfortable with that, suggest a counselor or group that deals with grief. Perhaps you could attend the first meeting with them as support and care.
• Don’t say to them “Let me know if you need anything.”  Most people in emotional and psychological pain don’t know what they need and they would never think of telling you anyway. When we are in pain, we struggle with the ability to focus on any thoughts because all we want to do is think about our loved one. We think we want to be with people, and then when we are, we want to be alone. What we really want is for someone to take the pain away and that... you can only assist in…you can’t do it for them.
• Remember that strength is admirable, but compassion and connection to the human spirit are a necessity in life. Tell them, “I wonder how you must be feeling right now with all that is going on?” Or “I know this is a very difficult time for you right now and I am wondering how I can best help you?”
• You don’t need to have an answer for anything they say such as a rhetorical “Why did this happen?” Sometimes there are no answers and if there are, the person will find them when it is time for them.
•  Don’t take it personally if they say some angry things to you such as, How would you know. It isn’t your child; or I wish that it hadn’t been mine but yours”. Remember anger is a part of grief and we all feel angry at what happened. Expressing it out loud is healing, even if it hurts. They will most likely feel bad themselves for having lashed out at you, Don’t be too hard on them when they apologize.

• Be careful not to get lost in their pain. Yes, this is an awful time, but a positive heart and spirit will do wonders for people. Don’t feel guilty if you have a lot to be thankful for in their time of grief. You don’t need to flaunt it But don’t hide it either. Show it! Say it! Don’t hide because you are afraid that person will resent you. Perhaps they will for a while, but that will fade eventually. Most people would love to trade places with someone when they are suffering. This will pass and they will eventually be thankful for all the smiles you were able to give them when they couldn’t smile themselves.

I remember a phrase that changed how I thought about time healing all things.  It goes like this: 

“Things may not be OK right now, but everything will be alright.”